*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
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People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
doing some research
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon