#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
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*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.