If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
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I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
not seeing the problem
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Duck typos.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*