Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
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*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.