ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
You Might Also Like
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Broom by every window for quick escape.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.