your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
You Might Also Like
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.