If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
she has a point
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.