“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
You Might Also Like
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?