whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
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Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Pickled cat.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards