I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
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Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies