No laws when master is gone
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Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”