Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
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I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.