When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
You Might Also Like
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.