I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
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Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Woke up against my better judgement again