Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
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[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas