God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
You Might Also Like
scrabbled eggs
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.