Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
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Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Spring of Deception
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.