[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
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Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.