Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
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I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
LMAO
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage