My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
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Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus