Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
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“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh