oh no, steve’s working tonight
You Might Also Like
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.