Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
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Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinnerâs ready
The same kid right beside me:
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
professor x: whatâs ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that wonât help us
me: yes I see that now
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Stop pronouncing it âCaribbean.â Everyone knows itâs âCaribbean.â
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
#SCOTUS one-star review
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. Thatâs where all the locals go
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through đ
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWNâS PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that thatâs racist
CHARLIE BROWNâS PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: heâs not my President
CHARLIE BROWNâS PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying âwe found this pug. Whose pug is this??â And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like âRoscoe?!â
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, canât wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: Iâd like a car loan
Me: Iâm not lending you my car
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: Iâve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.