[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Your honor these allegations are
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die