1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
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*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
what could possibly go wrong?
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Ha
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin