(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
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Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
monday
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP