“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
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There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
#Caturday
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Meow
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while