“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
You Might Also Like
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Awwwww shit.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Bloody internet 😳
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t