Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
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To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
brian had himself a morning…
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.