A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
You Might Also Like
I’d use my best pan on you.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I love art.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks