Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
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The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I feel it
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!