Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
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Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.