[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
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dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.