Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
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” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.