The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
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Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.