Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
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if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.