I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
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Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
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If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo