Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Love this guy
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him