There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
You Might Also Like
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
(Jupiter –
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.