Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
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Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
This dude got his own movie?
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”