I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
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[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house