Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
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Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
No chill.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men