It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
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The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
My patience has stretch marks.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
How to make infinite energy.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
We decided to have money instead of children.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.