MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
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My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
We need to put an American base on the sun
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
multitasking lunch