Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
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If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.