When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
You Might Also Like
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp