[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
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Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.