I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
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I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
when u come home smelling like another dog
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Finally!
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.