cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
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me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado