To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
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The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Food gives you energy to nap more.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.